I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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