My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
