problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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