When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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