Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
