Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
