I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
