i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
