so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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