I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
