Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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