what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
