At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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