So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize