Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
