no, he came in my armpit
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
