God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize