I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
