Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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