watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
