oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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