I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
