allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
