Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
