there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
