I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
