Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I skipped work to stalk him.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
