Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
