i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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