just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Say something about gay babies.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
