you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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