he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Mom said you looked used
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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