ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
