He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
