Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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