im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
