Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We left the knife in your bed.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
