Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
