Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
