I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
