I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
