There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize