she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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