my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
the liver wants what the liver wants
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
