Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
