I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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