Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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