the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
