Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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