OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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