I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
