he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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