i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize