remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i will never coherently bang her
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
