Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize