my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
