he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
