If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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